SOAR News January 2012

I am choosing to begin my first Newsletter of 2012 with an inquiry, and invite you to reflect on this for yourself.

Who are you independent of words?

A curious beginning, perhaps, to the new year. Yet if we come from the perspective that silence is foundational, in that it is ever present and exists even before the gentlest of whispers, just as January is the foundation to the months of the year that follow, it may not seem so out of place.

After much ‘noise’ over many months I have been reconnecting with the silence of my own foundation over the last few, inside and out, and listening to all that wants to naturally emerge from that place. I am also mindful of the difference of creating from silence as opposed to being or feeling silenced. I want to explore both in this newsletter.

And first I want to share a moment of my week… A few days ago I lay floating in the warm summer ocean here in Paekakariki. The only wave was the one that gently lapped onto the beach. Apart from that the surface was still. With my ears under the water I was immersed in my own listening to silence; a beautiful and deep experience, within me and in the world around me. I could feel its power and expansiveness. I believe that it is from these centres, and the stillness and nothingness of both, that life arises.

Who would you be, what would you create, if you allowed life to arise from the stillness and nothingness of you and the world around you?

Enjoy creating from the year ahead

Sally

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? Jeanette Winterson
Steve, a friend of mine, gifted me Jeanette Winterson’s new book Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? this week. I read it in one sitting, so compelling was it. The book describes her experience growing up, and her life’s work to find happiness.

Early on in the book Winterson writes how much her adoptive mother would have preferred it if she had been silent. She reflects on how much she, Winterson, needed words, ‘…because unhappy families are conspiracies of silence…’ About words she writes, ‘…I believe in fiction and the power of stories because that way we speak in tongues. We are not silenced. All of us, in deep trauma, find we hesitate, we stammer; there are long pauses in our speech. The thing is stuck. We get our language back through the language of others…’

Some people who have been or felt silenced continue to hesitate and find it challenging to speak in later life. Others feel the pressure to fill up any empty space. Being caught in a silent moment can cause us to feel stupid and ashamed. We can be afraid to be without words. We can be afraid of silence.

We have been trained to value speech, judging others and ourselves negatively if we, or they, don’t speak clearly or appear to ‘go blank’. Challenging then, for many of us, to get to know ourselves independent of words? Challenging then to learn to trust silence, to trust our silent being, stand powerfully in it and create from it. And possible. And vital, if we are truly to reconnect deeply with our most alive and authentic self.

For those who haven’t already read it, here is My Story – From Self-Consciousness to Naked Presence

What is your story?

The Wisdom of Silence
“See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, moon and the sun, how they move in silence…we need silence to be able to touch souls.” Mother Teresa

“A silent mind is far more precise, accurate, and powerful than anything that is contained in the boundaries of rational thought.” Deepak Chopra.

Sounds of Silence Simon and Garfunkel
One of my favourite songs growing up was Simon and Garfunkel’s Sounds of Silence. I used to listen to my eldest brother singing it on his acoustic guitar, and it was one of the first songs I learnt to play on mine.

Commenting on their song, Art Garfunkel explained that it is about people’s inability to communicate with each other and how that leads to people who are unable to love each other. Below are the lyrics and an original recording.

Sounds of Silence
Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools”, said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, “The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls”
And whispered in the sounds of silence

To listen to an original recording of Simon and Gafunkel singing Sounds of Silence click here

What then is possible when people hear from a place of listening? And learn to create from the sounds of silence?

Creating from Silence – Starting from Stop
One of the most important moments in rapport building in relationships, 1:1, groups or an audience, is the silence in the moment before you speak.

When we ‘stand in stillness’ or ‘start from stop’ we allow something real and authentic to be established in the room. In that moment we communicate that we are listening, not just speaking. When we model what real attention looks and feels like, our audience will find themselves listening deeply before we have said a word.

When we are willing and allow ourselves to stand in stillness we create a space, a meeting place, where our audience can join us. From this beginning a co-created relational experience can begin. What is not spoken and is communicated in this stillness is that we are including them in the journey, their presence matters, that something real is happening, and that simply being together is what matters first. It reflects a commitment to being open to give and receive intimacy. In that moment we are ‘naked’, in naked or natural presence, because we are revealing ourselves, without performance, just as we are.

We may have to draw on courage and move through fear to reveal ourselves in this way and co-create an experience from this place. And the gift? Wholeness, of self and in relationship. Creativity, possibility, and connection. And, from the sounds of this silence, people who communicate, and are able to love each other.

Fulfillment is, after all, a radical act!

Facebook – From Silence to Voice
I have been silent around the world of social media such as Facebook for a long time, up until now. I have chosen to explore this different form as another space to share what I believe in and why I do what I do. So, if you like what you are reading in my newsletters please spread the word by clicking on LIKE.

 

SOAR News December 2011

Last weekend I participated in a two-day 5 Rhythms, dance meditation, workshop in the Memorial Hall here in Paekakariki. Throughout the weekend we were encouraged to notice, listen to and follow any movement that naturally emerged within, and to express ourselves from that place.

A few weeks ago someone who had participated in a Speaking Circles explained that the process of the circle, and being in Relational Presence, had deepened her understanding and practice of listening, taking it to a completely different level and quality.

And recently I was reading a passage from a biography of the actor and M*A*S*H star Alan Alda. In it he wrote:

   “When I started out as an actor I thought: ‘Here is what I have to say, how shall I say it?’ On M*A*S*H I began to understand that what I do in a scene is as important as what happens between me and the other person. And listening is what lets it happen. It’s almost always the other person who causes you to say what you say next. You don’t have to figure out how to say it.

You have to listen so simply, so innocently, that the other person brings a change in you that makes you say it, and informs the way you say it.

Eventually I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you. When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues…or a speech.

Like so much that I learned in theater this turned out to be how life works too.”

I am listening into a different experience of Christmas as it approaches – warm, long summer days and nights, an emerging abundance of fresh fruit, cool refreshing ocean, the magnificent blaze of crimson pohutukawa tree, jandals (flip-flops!) and barbecues - and I am allowing all that is different to change me.

Overlooking Paekakariki Beach - Who and what will you allow to change you as you sit and listen?

Seasonal Blessings, be it summer, winter, autumn or spring
Sally

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Listening

When I am facilitating people to practise Relational Presence I invite them to be there and listen from a place of positive regard and availability, to others and to themselves. Listening from this place allows ease and clarity. This quality of listening is unattached to content, though it hears and is impacted upon by the content. It is expansive and accepting, though it gives none of the usual social cues of encouragement or validation.

We may notice thoughts of judgement and the urge to re-assure as we listen, and we can become skillful at simply noticing these urges without acting on them. What then emerges is a spacious listening. A listening that allows the words of an other to flow over and through us and our own to emerge naturally, from a more authentic place of knowing.

Sometimes people who have known each other for many years, couples or friends, participate together in a speaking circle and find that the quality of their relationship is deepened and enriched when they listen to each other from this more spacious and receptive place. This discovery both surprises and moves people.

Effective communication is a two-way process. Presence listening is the basis of authentic speaking. When you listen with an easy availability, and your attention is on seeing the best in the other person, you begin to experience others differently. Genuine connection is created naturally. And when you listen to the silence as well as to the words, you allow others to find their own authentic presence and to share it.

An inquiry and a question:
What is it to be available and to come from a place of positive regard?
What do you see, hear, feel, smell and taste from this place?

Deep Cove, Doubtful Sound, from Wilmot Pass. The beautiful and plentiful sounds of silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“”To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the ‘music,’ but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow our mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning.”— Peter Senge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vocation – A Calling that I Hear

In his book ‘Let Your Life Speak – Listening for the Voice of Vocation’, writer, teacher and activist Parker J. Palmer reflects on an old Quaker saying, ‘Let your life speak’. He describes that, as a youth, he thought these words meant achieving the highest truths and values. Living his life and vocation from this place became an act of will. Over time, however, he came to see that his willful pursuit of vocation was an act of violence toward himself, because it was something forced from without rather than grown from within. Acting from this place brought pathology, not the wholeness he was truly seeking.

He came to realise that the words, ‘Let your life speak’, meant something else, and I quote, ’Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.’

Vocation then is not an act of will but an act of listening. Vocation, rooted in the Latin for “voice”, means a ‘calling that I hear’.

Palmer’s writings have resonated deeply for me as I have listened to my life telling me who I am and what truths and values are at the heart of my identity. And I was struck, at the end of facilitating my first Speaking Circle in Johnsonville, near Wellington, last week to hear myself saying, ‘I believe in people taking their place in the world. I believe in people discovering their authentic expression. And I believe in people sharing who they are, and making a difference’. These are the truths and values at the heart of why I do what I do and who I am.

When you listen to your life:
What does your life intend to do with you?
What truths do you embody? What values do you represent?

My footprint - Paekakariki Beach

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”
— Karl Menninger

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

SOAR News November 2011

The sun only knows how to be in the moment. Sunset, Paekakariki beach

To old friends welcome back. To new, welcome,

I have found the last few months deeply challenging. Coming back to presence in an organisation setting where the ways of being and doing are, mostly, so totally different to my own has been disorientating. Coming back to presence where I feel who I am, what I value and who I am serving is compromised has felt like a mountain to climb. Fortunately I enjoy walking up mountains. The views, the endurance, the mist, the rain…and the 360 panorama at the summit. Breathtaking!

As much as possible I have attempted to use this time to learn as much as I can about myself, to find ways in which to come back to me, to curiosity, grow and create from all that I have been experiencing, the awful and the joy. I have failed big time in many moments, and, For All I Learn,
I have dug deep, interally and externally, and eventually find ways to come back, which is deeply satisfying.

A month ago my application for residency in New Zealand was approved. I now get to create my life and work here for the long term, which is both scary and exciting.

One of the fundamental anchors to coming back to presence have been the many different relationships I have, near and far. And one of these relational gifts of the last few months have been the monthly Speaking Circles I have been facilitating, on a pro bono basis, in the seaside
village of Paekakariki, where I now live, just north of Wellington. And it is the combination of relationship and presence I want to explore in this newsletter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Relational Presence

My Speaking Circle flyer says that the focus of the evening is, and I quote, ‘on the quality of connection between speaker and the audience.’

So what is this ‘quality of connection’?

The quality of connection is Relational Presence. Relational because it is about being in relationship. Presence because it is about being present. Relational Presence is a quality of being with one person at a time. It is about being with, being available, with soft gaze to the connection between oneself and an other, one person at a time.

From this place of availability in the company of others, our breathing deepens naturally. Trust and relationship are co-created and bingo, the world is our oyster!

This may seem a big reframe. We are often used to believing that it is only when we are present to our self that we can then be present to others. Yet our sense of personal presence developed through being mirrored by others. As the quote below from child analyst Winnicott reminds us, it is our primary caregiver who first reflects our essential value back to us through her/his eyes. If it wasn’t our experience to have this, we may have needed significant others later on to step into that role.

Relational Presence then is the capacity to be absolutely engaged with another human being while speaking or listening to her.

Take a moment to reflect:
How relationally present are you in the different connections in your life and work?
What is it to be present in your relationships?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“”There is no such thing as a baby…A baby cannot
exist alone, but is essentially part of a relationship.” D.W. Winnicott

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Presencing

One of the wonderful texts I read whilst on a 10 month experiential Leadership Programme last year was called “Presence”. It was written by some of the founders of The Presencing Institute, http://www.presencing.com/.

“Presencing,” a blend of the words “presence” and “sensing,” refer to the ability to sense and bring into the present one’s highest future potential – as an individual and, through co-creation, from others.

On our presencing journey through connection with others so much is possible. When we speak from this place, what wants to emerge will do so naturally, easily and with impact. The co-created space is then one of huge potential, because it resonates with all that we are becoming.

So:
What is wanting to emerge in your life and through co-creation from others?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“When I am present with others I can be present to
myself”. Lee Glickstein.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Speaking Circle

Tuesday 29th November 5.30pm – 8pm Johnsonville Community Centre, Johnsonville

Thursday 8th December
6.30pm – 9pm The Porch, St Peter’s Church, Paekakariki

Expand your personal and professional presence when speaking, anywhere, anytime and with anyone.

Imagine standing in front of any group, feeling absolutely at ease and enjoying the rapt attention of your listeners. With the confidence to be present and authentic you can speak anywhere, anytime and with anyone.

Speaking Circles® focus on the quality of connection between the speaker and the audience.

In a Speaking Circle you will:
Still your anxiety.
Learn to invite connection.
Learn to be present.
Find your natural, authentic voice and impact.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

What Sallys’ trainers and fellow facilitators say about her…

‘Sally clearly and calmly wants to make a difference in the world. She really embodies a leadership style that is about relationship, connection, inner wisdom and a strong sense of mission. So it is leadership by example and exploration – going towards the unknown and being calm in the state of not-knowing. That is pure leadership presence. Couple that with the huge strength in her ability to be both vulnerable and powerful at the same time. A heady mix!

She has an awareness of the powerful importance of purpose (through her own personal journey), and is skilled at understanding the whole picture. I have witnessed her bringing a subtle insight and care to changing things. Sally has demonstrated clearly that she can live with risk and is able to summon up incredible personal strength. She is clearly a leader that will inspire others to greater things.

Her ability to dance in the moment with grace and power makes me envious or at least sharpen my skills! And yes, you can probably guess that I’m excited about having her as a colleague.’

John Dawson, Speaking Circles® Facilitator and Magazine Publisher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘As a facilitator of Speaking Circles® you develop the skills to lead a transformational learning process for your participants. In this process participants learn how to speak and listen with ease, authenticity and power and by doing so expand their personal and professional (relational)presence. Sally is a real role model for this work. She leads with grace and clarity and creates a safe and powerful learning environment.

The qualities of Sally we deeply appreciate are: natural, leading, confident without arrogance, authentic, spacious, lightness, radiance and humor.

She really has the gift to enable people to feel, and be, seen and heard.’

Koos Wolcken and Jennet Burghard, Training Director Europe and Trainer, Speaking Circles® International.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘I was deeply impressed by Sally’s commitment to modelling a new kind of leadership as well as her quest for authenticity in action. I feel strongly that Sally possesses the right combination of gentleness, great clarity and vision to make her a refreshing and impactful leader in serving the wider community.’  James Fellows, Speaking Circles® Facilitator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘When I worked with Sally she was repeatedly re-connecting, re-resourcing, speaking from a place which was calm and centred. She shared herself and her stories with warmth and vulnerability, which made for compelling listening. She was always respectful and maintained healthy boundaries when referring to other people, which increased the sense of safety and trust I had with her. She was always alert and engaged, but emanating a quality of stillness and gentleness that was, for me, genuinely supportive. Her marriage of gentleness and strength is impressive.’  Millie, Speaking Circles® Facilitator.

 

What individuals say about Sally as a coach

‘Sally transmits an emotional intelligence at the same time as being very human and available. She has a quality of stillness and silence that inspires.’ Philip Raby, Film Critic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sally is a breath of fresh air. She is a very warm person with deep respect and integrity. The combination of her serious commitment, power and playful way of being enabled me to move forward in my work and life in ways I never thought possible. Ian, Business Executive.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sally is gifted for seeing people for who they really are and for coaxing their individuality out into the open so that authentic leadership can truly begin. To do this Sally uses her gift for storytelling, keen intuition and powerful questions to develop executives and individuals into their most confident, relaxed selves. Working with Sally clients not only overcome their fear of public speaking but learn to relish and excel at extemporaneous speaking.’ Mary-Jeanne ‘MJ’ Cabanel, MBA, CPCC, Public Speaker and Executive Coach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sally is masterful as a coach. Drawing from her intuition she sees and hears in ways that reach such range and depth, and bring to light new learnings and awareness. This, mixed with her warm regard, honesty and clarity supported me to make massive shifts, professionally and personally. Jason, Entrepeneur.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘If you want transformational change in your life, work and relationships, and want to make real your dreams hire Sally as your coach. She is challenging, holds you as big as can be, is funny and creative. The best investment of time and money I have ever made.’  Maggie, Creative Arts Director.

 

What participants say about Speaking Circles and Sally’s facilitation

‘Sally is magical in the way she creates a relaxed and calm energy in the room and demonstrates powerfully what it is to be a speaker who really is connected, and so respectful of her audience. Speaking Circles creates a very safe environment in which to ‘be’ a present speaker.‘ Gai Foskett, Master Certified Coach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Taking part has had a huge impact on me, which I did not think it would. Sally is very calm and serene and, emotionally, a very powerful speaker. She is very positive,  and explained the way of being very well. Participants were put at ease, and it became a natural thing to do. I felt safe in the group of people and felt reassured by Sally throughout the process and sessions.

 Even from something as basic as remembering to breathe, as well as giving and receiving feedback, feeling more confident and finding it easier to speak in groups, even just with friends. I would definitely recommend this to other people.’ Gail Pettinger, ward sister.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sally  is compelling to listen to which, as a successful example of what it can do, was positive. She demonstrated the process very well. She is very calm and professional. The format was easy to understand and work within. Sally made the experience one that will not easily be forgotten.’ Lisa Jones-Tinsley, Practice Manager.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘I learnt to listen more to my own body and overcome many nerves. I learnt many skills using speaking circles. My goals were to be a more confident speaking to an audience and to improve my ability to listen more carefully.  I began to appreciate the power of the silence. I never knew what I was going to say but because Sally structured the moments I was able to ‘go with the flow’. I was encouraged to feel valued and appreciated. I learnt a lot about myself and really benefit in my daily life from being a more empathetic listener.’  Donna Gemarie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sally has an authentic presence.  She encourages and gently challenges participants to engage with the practice.  And then she nurtures progress as people get started.‘ Shona Michael, Leeds Teaching Hospital.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Sitting in an audience in front of Sally is like having your soul seen. She reaches in and witnesses all that you are and all that you can be.

Speaking Circles is spacious.  The whole experience gave me the opportunity to take time to think about my intention and impact in the room. Taking turns up front, with the opportunity to experience holding an audience in complete silence, was a revelation. For almost the first time I found it possible to truly listen to someone else, without planning in my head what I wanted to say in my next turn. Over time I came to a point where I was completely comfortable in this place, trusting that I would create with my audience when I was standing in front of them. I also had the opportunity to witness the different quality of my impact when I was speaking from this place, from this level of connection.

In 1 to 1 connection, since the circles, I have been much more conscious of when my attention is wandering, and of where my eyes are focussed. When working with groups I’ve been consciously paying attention to connecting with one person at a time in the audience, rather than scanning across the whole audience. I’m making it count in a totally different way. This is a powerful leadership skill and I’m looking forward to using it more with groups.

I’ve also found that working with a co-facilitator in this way has a dramatic impact on the quality of the relationship that we take into the room with us. A few minutes of relational presence practise before starting work with a group allows us to be in deep connection. The result is an intimacy between me and my fellow facilitator that allows us to blend our skills and move seamlessly from one to the other. We don’t have to plan as much, we just get to be ourselves and trust that we can hold the room together.

I recently worked with 120 staff at a hospice to explore their values. There were well over 100 of them in the room and using relational presence I was able to connect with them all. With the intimate connection I created I was able to name some difficult subjects that no one seemed to dare to surface. In doing so I gave them permission to talk about the pain and pleasures of change. I also gave people permission to leave the organisation if it no longer fitted their values. I spoke to their hearts and created a space in which people can leave with dignity and celebrating all of their contribution. Over 20 of them came to thank me for my impact and for holding them so safely.

Sally is hugely courageous in sharing her personal stories and creating links between her experience and this work. She models all the skills of relational presence and time up front in a way that is engaging and inclusive. Because she has struggled in the past with exactly these issues she provides a perfect role model of how fear and discomfort can be overcome. When she speaks her words are inspiring and deeply moving, coming from a truly authentic place inside. Nothing is surplus, everything counts.’   Tilla Brook, ACC, CPCC, Transition and Retirement Coach.

 

‘Sally gave Mark his life back, and us our son and brother…’

‘Sally gave Mark the power to embrace the world that had scared him for so long and he is now establishing himself as a confident young man with the power to achieve his dreams.

In short, Sally gave Mark his life back and us our son and brother. What more of a recommendation does anyone need?

It was Christmas Eve 2009, when Mark finally broke down. I held him in my arms but his body was rigid; he was uncomfortable with my touch, devoid of any real emotion, unable to make eye contact and he could barely speak only to admit that he was desperately unhappy.

Although academically brilliant he had been finding it more and more difficult to communicate.
He distanced himself from people and situations that he found difficult to manage and gradually lost interest in the world and the people who loved him dearly.

I know now that his anxieties had become so overwhelming that he was no longer able to function, spending more time asleep than awake, existing day to day but not living and he was in meltdown.

I was desperate, Mark had made a plea for help that night but I really didn’t know where to turn.

A colleague suggested a friend of hers who worked with teenagers as a life coach. “If anyone can help him, Sally can,” were her exact words. I clung to the thought but I was sceptical as to whether this would be the right kind of support for Mark, as it was all done over the phone.

I made the initial contact with Sally and hoped that I had made a good choice for Mark’s sake. Sally’s voice was gentle and reassuring. She listened intently as through my tears I told her Mark’s story. Sally spoke with warmth that touched my heart, not judgemental or condemning but positive and encouraging. I booked time with Sally myself so that she could help me to understand Mark’s
difficulties and support him and the rest of the family who were struggling to deal with Mark’s behaviour.

With Mark’s consent, Sally contacted him by email at first and they exchanged messages until Mark was ready to commit to a telephone conversation. To begin with Mark broke more appointments than he kept, but Sally never gave up on him. She would always manage to reconnect with him and was there when he was ready to carry on. It was a rollercoaster of a ride to begin with, but as the phone calls got to be more regular I began to notice subtle changes in his behaviour
and attitude which gave me real hope. Sally’s work with Mark was completely confidential, but during my time with her she spoke of Mark’s amazing courage and determination, which kept me going through the dark and painful times.

Over time, Sally reignited a spark in Mark. Gradually all of the exceptional qualities and characteristics that made him who he was but had been lost for so long gradually returned. Sally doesn’t give you the answers; instead she opens your mind to new perspectives, which allow you to find your own solutions.’

Alison

 

transformational change

I am reading a novel called, ‘The Paris Wife’ by Paula McLain, about Hadley Richardson and Ernest Hemingway. I am finding it a wonderfully rich book.

As Hadley explores more of her authentic self through her relationship with Ernest she describes her experience of settling into ease with his friends…

“At the beginning of each evening, I was nervous  and shy, worried that I had nothing to contribute to the group, but then I’d settle into my skin and my voice…It was like being born over each night, the same process again and again, finding myself, losing myself, finding myself again…

‘What’s happened to me?’

…’We’re talking about a major transformation…

I like me this way’…”

I was struck how similar this is to the process of a Speaking Circle. In a space and group that is both supportive and safe participants allow the fear, and perhaps talk about it. As the group listens and is simply ‘being with’ the speaker, with attention and appreciation, the fear dissolves and clarity, authenticity and presence grows.

The change that each participant experiences and the group witnesses is indeed a ‘major transformation’.

As a coach and Speaking Circles facilitator I am committed to evoking transformation, and what does that mean?

One type of change is called Incremental Change. A coach works with individuals to break potential change down into steps and the individuals work step by step toward that end goal. Change happens and it is often not sustained because it does not get ‘in the bones’.

As a coach committed to evoking transformation I use all my skills, ways of being and doing in service of that transformation. When a limiting belief shifts or a perspective changes, an individual shifts in a way that nothing is the same from that point on.

It is the same kind of change that happens when a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.

The simple and powerful process of a Speaking Circle facilitates transformative change because it shifts beliefs, perspectives about self, other (the audience) and content.

 

speaking circle update

Recently I sent this message to people in my local area who have expressed an interest or participated in a Speaking Circle. It seems appropriate to share it here…

Hello,

In August I facilitated my first Speaking Circle here in New Zealand. 7 of you were present for that first evening. As is the case for each person who chooses to come along, none of you really knew what you were signing up for. Curiosity and the courage to want to experience a circle brought you
through the doors of St Peters – the hall and porch, here in Paekakariki.

I had no idea when I placed flyers around the village and beyond whether anyone would be interested, I simply trusted my knowing of the process and the gift I believe it to be. And waited…

And now, three months on, a few of you have participated each month. And each month people new to the process arrive for their first circle. The process is the same and each circle is different, such is the joy of the energy and authenticity each individual brings to the whole.

And, for those of you who have attended more than once, I am beginning to receive feedback from you of how this simple inside out process is impacting, in the room and in your lives, both professionally and personally. And I, as facilitator, get to witness that transformation. Lucky me! And what a privilege.

Since Thursday evening’s circle I have already had 3 of you reserve a place for November 10th. I sense that the rhythm of these monthly opportunities to practise is serving you, as they give you the chance to build the ‘muscle’ of relational presence in-between and then use the space and
safety of the circle to explore the depth and range of your own experience, authenticity and presence.

I am mindful that group size is limited to 10, so please do let me know if you want to reserve a place for November.

I have had a request to facilitate a circle nearer Wellington and have thought about doing so in Johnsonville. If anyone has any thoughts about that, i.e. possible venues in Johnsonville or Wellington, how to connect with potential participants, etc. that I could explore please let me know. As a newcomer to New Zealand and, in particular, this area I would welcome your ideas on how I can enable others to access this transformative process.

Go well

Sally

 

SOAR News October 2011

Paekakariki Beach, New Zealand

‘And something ignited my soul, fever or unrembered wings, and I went my own way.’ Pablo Neruda

BE Yourself

This month we will explore the seventh way of being that makes it possible to transform fear of public speaking and communicate more effectively.

Following BE Silent, BE Present, BE Aware, BE Attuned and BE Positive and BE Connected is BE Yourself.

The way to compel rapt attention when you speak is to be yourself. Being yourself earns admiration and respect, makes your message stronger and inspires.

Express yourself authentically. Listen fully to yourself. Notice the critical voices that may want to speak for you and listen beyond them. Listen to what you want to say and the true expression of who you are that matches it. Learn to know the sound of your own unique voice. Where you, your thoughts and your words become one you will move into resonance, inside and out.

When you speak from the core of who you are you will connect with your strengths, earn respect and inspire your audience.

Have a go. Allow yourself to take a full breath, BE Silent , BE Present, BE Aware, BE Attuned, BE Positive, BE Connected and BE Yourself. Notice how it feels. Notice what happens next from this different place of being. What is possible from here?

Practice using these essential ways of being as you move from fear, to coping, to ease and mastery as a speaker, in both your personal and professional relationships.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘Be yourself. Everyone else is taken’. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the gifts of nature is its capacity to simply be what it is. Each day, at sunset or sunrise, I can not know what will emerge in the sky around me or over the oceans beyond, here in Paekakariki. What I do know is that this is one of the joys of  spontaneous authenticity and presence. It simply is. And if I am open and aware, I get to receive what is.

The hills behind Paekakariki, sunrise